A Fresh Vision for Grandparents

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Recently, I had the privilege of writing five brief blogs on grandparenting for the Life Bible App (Tyndale Publishers). When I first became a grandparent, I had no clue what was ahead or how to fulfill this new role. I needed a friend who was ahead of me to help! Today, we have five grown children (all married) and 21 grandchildren. I’ve made lots of mistakes as a grand, learned new ways of depending on God, and become completely exhausted, but above all had a blast!

This week and next, I will be sharing my thoughts with the prayer that these concepts will be an encouragement to you whatever season you are in: if you are marrying off your first child, or becoming a grand for the first time, or if you have been a grand for many years or have a grandmother friend. If you would like to follow the plan in the app, you can find it here.

Day One:

Grandparenting: A Privilege, A Calling, And Scary!

“‘As for me, this is my covenant with them,’ says the LORD. ‘My Spirit, who is on you, will not depart from you, and my words that I have put in your mouth will always be on your lips, on the lips of your children and on the lips of their descendants–from this time on and forever,’ says the LORD.” (Isaiah 59:21, NIV)

We have a small old farmhouse. We named one of the bedrooms the “Blessing Room.” It contains an old bed which I’ve painted many times. Across the foot of the bed, I painted Isaiah 59:21 with the names of each of our grands. When John and I became grandparents, this became our theme verse. It’s our greatest longing for our kids and grandkids–and for our whole family line. It probably is for you too. BUT just thinking about grandparenting raises some fears.

What if I don’t do this right and my adult kids are unhappy with me?

What if a grandchild gets injured on my watch?

What if our kids don’t raise their kids in the Lord?

What if my own painful background leaves me with no ideas on how to grandparent?

What if I totally blow it?

When my own kids were young, I remember feeling on many occasions, “I have ruined this child.” God gave me a phrase that has helped me both in parenting and grandparenting!

“Susan, your ability to ruin this child is not nearly as powerful as my ability to redeem her (or him).”

This season has fears and challenges but also many blessings.

The blessing of having to grow ourselves.

Being a grandparent will cause us to depend on Him in new ways and that’s uncomfortable. But God wants us to become more dependent upon Him, not less. In our efforts to be effective grandparents, we will be forced into a greater dependency upon Him, and this will result in a bigger view of God himself.

Ask, “God, what are you teaching me in my role?”

The blessing of being able to say things that just might be heard by our grands.

One of the things we’ve discovered is that we can get away with saying things or asking personal questions which are likely to get an “eye roll” or an “Aw Mom” if asked by a parent. And our grands often behave better when they are with us than they do for their parents!

The blessing of perspective.

Because we are older, we have perspective, and perspective encourages hope. When your grandson doesn’t make the team and thinks he’ll never be a success or when your granddaughter gets left out by another girl and thinks she’ll never have friends, you can comfort them with perspective. “This is just one disappointment. Your turn will come.” (And tell them stories of your disappointments at their age.)

The blessing of sharing the Word with them.

Share scriptures that have been meaningful to you personally and tell them why. One of my main prayers for my kids and grands is that they would “fall in love with the Word of God.” (Psalm 119:105). When we share personal stories, it will be natural and not preachy. Our grands are open to us in a fresh way simply because we are the grandparents.

A Promise and a Prayer:

“Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will do it.” (1Thessalonians 5:24, NASB)

Father, I have so many fears about this responsibility to grandparent well. Thank you that it’s not all up to me. You will equip me for what you have called me to, and you will redeem my mistakes. Today help me to focus more on who you are and what you can do than on myself and my inadequacies.

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Day Two:

Our 1st Priority–Support Our Grandchildren’s Parents

“That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24, NIV)

When our child marries, our priorities must change. Now our priority is not primarily our relationship with them but their relationship with each other–their marriage. We must enable them to leave well. (We must cut the apron strings.) Allison, our first child, got married and was planning a long drive through the night alone. John and I called to tell her we didn’t think she should do this. Politely but firmly, she responded, “I understand your concern, but this decision is between me and my husband.”

We were wrong and she was right. Their relationship was now the priority and they had to make their own decisions. We needed to back off and support them.

A child calls to ask, “Do you think I should get a blue couch or a beige one? Our first response should be, “What does your husband (or wife) say?”

Our ultimate priority is to push them toward each other and not get caught in the middle. We will not agree with all their decisions, but they are theirs to make, not ours. (If it is a crisis, offer to pay for Christian counseling for them, but resist becoming their counselor.) If your child is a single parent your role may be a bit different. Most helpful for this adult child will be a strong church with a supporting parent’s ministry. Three hot tips to support their marriage:

1. Guard against false assumptions.

Just because your daughter or daughter-in-law doesn’t communicate very often does not mean she doesn’t like you. Her life is probably overwhelming, particularly if she has little ones. Choose to believe the best, rather than jumping to negative conclusions.

2. Ask your child how you can best love their mate.

“Son, what are some specific things I can do to love your wife in the way she receives love?” Does she like texts, calls, gifts, an offer to clean or cook (if local)? Do what is meaningful for her, not what you’d like. How we love our adult kids will impact our relationship with our grandchildren.

3. Listen more than advise.

This is one of the hardest things especially when we notice things we think they should do differently in parenting. After all, we’ve been parents for a very long time and have lots of experience. But we can still give wrong advice. Think carefully before you advise and plan how you will say things. “Honey, I have several ideas, but you can take them or leave them….” comes across much better than, “You should or shouldn’t.”

When in doubt it’s best to keep our mouths shut and simply pray. God is the only one who sees all, and He is at work even if we can’t see it in this moment.

A Promise and a Prayer

“For it is God who is at work in you, both to desire and to work for His good pleasure.” (Philippians 2:13, NASB)

Father, I want to have good relationships with my adult kids. I want to support their marriages. I often mess up. Please show me how to do this. Today, help me to focus on the fact that you are at work, even when I can’t see it. You are working while we are waiting.

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Day Three:

Our Greatest Role–Prayer

“I will pour my Spirit upon your offspring, and my blessing on your descendants.” (Isaiah 44:3, ESV)

When each of our five children were born, I began to pray for their future mates (if it was God’s will that they marry). I prayed that they would come to know Christ at an early age; that God would surround them with fellowship and keep them in His way. I also prayed for the parents raising them–for wisdom in parenting, for encouragement and for the means to disciple their kids. Selfishly I hoped there was someone out there praying this for me. I needed it. Then I met Norma.

Her son and our daughter were close to becoming engaged. I happened to be in her city, so she invited me over. As we got to know each other I shared my prayer with her and she responded, “Susan, I’ve prayed the same thing! Little did we know we had been praying for each other for years when we didn’t even know one another.” We burst out laughing with joy that God had indeed been at work.

It seems obvious that we should pray for our grandchildren but doing it when there are so many needs and little people can be intimidating. How do we even begin? Is there a simple plan?

Raising our own five kids felt overwhelming to me and to John. An older mentor advised us to take time to think through the needs of each child once a year in five areas of growth: mental, spiritual, emotional, social and physical, and turn that into our prayer list for the coming year. For example, an emotional need: for our eleven-year-old middle child to feel special in our large family; mental: for a middle school son to learn discipline in study habits; spiritual: for a child to develop the habit of personal Bible study, etc. When our twins were babies, a huge physical need was that they would sleep through the night! (They didn’t until they were nearly two. I thought I would die from nearly ten years of sleep deprivation.)

Today we follow this same template with our adult kids and grands. I have a prayer notebook and I assign each of our five families a different day of the week. On their day I pray in detail for their needs. We ask our adult kids to send us the needs they have for each of their children so we can pray specifically. One preteen girl needs relief from sleep anxiety, a middle schooler needs a close Christian friend, a high school boy needs to realize the unique gifts God has given him, etc.

Needs are constantly changing so every year we ask our kids for new lists for their children and for themselves.

There’s a wise piece of advice found in Proverbs 27:23: “Be sure you know the condition of your flocks, give careful attention to your herds.” I take this as a mandate to study my kids and my grands. How has God packaged this one–as a leader, a sensitive child, creative, reflective, etc.? Their “packaging” will become clearer as they grow. Ask their parents how they perceive their child at this stage in his life. Thinking in this way will inform our prayer life.

A Promise and a Prayer:

“Our God is near us whenever we pray to him.” (Deuteronomy 4:7, NIV)

Father, I realize that prayer is the number one thing I can do for my grandchildren, but this call can feel overwhelming. I need a simple prayer plan and the discipline to follow it. Today help me take one step in creating a simple plan.

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