Four Tips On How to Prepare Your Kids to Leave the Nest

Do you have a high school senior?

Are they stressed as they await that email of rejection or acceptance from a college or a job?

And how are you, the parent?

Are you waiting with trepidation for that email and concerned for your child?

Is my child ready to leave?

Am I ready?

Probably not. None of us are ready for this big change.

However, there are several things we can do to prepare them to leave well.

1. Turn over responsibilities to them gradually and early.

When our son John was in middle school, I mistakenly washed one of his sister’s red blouses with his white t-shirts.

Thoroughly exasperated, he exclaimed,

“Mom, don’t ever touch my clothes again!”

“What a wonderful idea,” I mused.

I hurried to the store and bought 5 laundry baskets, and instituted the policy: by the time you begin middle school, you begin to do all your own laundry. Did those clothes make it from their baskets to their dressers neatly folded? Probably not, but they did learn how to do their own laundry!

As moms, we have in our DNA the overwhelming desire to take care of our kids and make them happy. But it’s easy to “over-parent,” and this will handicap our children as they prepare to leave home. After all, we want to raise independent, confident kids.

So what do we do?

Most high schoolers aren’t old enough for credit cards, but they can learn responsibility with a debit card and a savings account. It’s helpful if they are also responsible for making their own spending money. Yard work, working in a store, babysitting. Teach them to tithe 10% and save 10% of everything. They should begin scheduling their own doctor’s appointments. However, be flexible here. As one mom said, “If I left it up to my kids to make their own dentist appointments, their teeth would fall out!” Remind them to write thank you notes for gifts, and even after an adult takes time to meet with them to give career advice.

2. Visit colleges early in their junior year.

Make a list of the schools your child might be interested in and visit them. Check out the fellowship groups on campus and attend a gathering. Meet with other Christian students. It may be helpful to go back once they are accepted and visit again. If possible, have them stay in a dorm with a Christian to get a feel for their life on campus.

Be open about your financial situation and put parameters in place around their college choice. You might want to tell your kids they need the equivalent of in-state tuition, even for out-of-state colleges. This will set the bar high for them, but it will also give them a goal to work towards throughout high school if they want more expensive options. This conversation should begin during their freshman year of high school. Be sure to research financial aid packages. Many colleges have very generous endowments.

College isn’t right for everyone.

If college does not seem right, help them explore other possibilities—a gap year, a job, a year of service, or ministry. YWAM is a popular gap year program that focuses on discipleship, ministry and travel. Vocational training is an excellent option for many.

Remind them that God has them, and He will lead them in this next step.

Here’s a verse I shared recently with one of our grands who is a high school senior:

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go: I will counsel you with my LOVING eye on you.” (Psalm 32: 8). It’s a verse I continue to pray for him.

3. Formulate your expectations and plans with your spouse or close friends if you are a single parent.

It’s important that we as a couple create our own family policies regarding these decisions. If you are a single parent meet with a couple who have already been through this process or are going through it now. We need one another. Those ahead of us in this season can be a tremendous resource.

Some examples:

Encourage your child to visit at least two campus ministries in the first two weeks of school. Many campuses have “club booths” during the first week and your child can meet believers at these and choose two to attend. Statistics have shown that the group of friends a new college student meets within the first 10 days will largely determine the groups they hang out with. On “move-in-day,” our daughter, Libby, wore a Young Life t-shirt. Another gal moving in recognized her shirt and realized she was a believer. Bingo, a new Christian friend right away!

What about church attendance?

Encourage your child to visit several churches and hopefully choose one by the end of first semester. It helps if you are curious about their observations of what they experience. “What did you notice about that church? What did you sense this church values? What matters most to you in choosing a church?”

Through networking or their college Facebook groups, have them find a roommate who is a believer. They may not become “besties,” but they will most likely share a similar moral standard.

Expect your child to attend classes.

Work with your child to find a new rhythm of communication. Be patient as they sort out their schedules and priorities and let them know that you want to have a regular point of connection. This could be five minutes at a time (on walks between classes) or an hour weekly on the same day for time with both parents. Encourage communication between siblings as well and be generous when time is limited!

4. Pray for them.

This is obvious, right?

It is, but often, we are at a loss as to where to begin. Our child has so many needs.

We can pray:

• For them to find one or two close Christian friends with whom they can go deep.

• For them to grow in personal integrity and not fall prey to “everyone else is…”

• For them to have a hunger for God’s word and make time to spend in it.

• For God to provide an older Christian mentor who will encourage them.

When our son Chris was a freshman, my husband suggested he find a girl who was a senior and a believer and ask her for coffee and adopt her as an “older sister.” It would not be an “awkward date” since she was so much older. He did and she gave him advice and perspective and he listened!

But what if they are not following Christ?

They still need to know that you are praying for them. This gives them a sense of security. Even kids not following the Lord will often respond when you ask, “How can I be praying for you this week?”

Pray for God to put believers in their lives who they will “click with,” and pray for boldness for that person who might be thinking of reaching out to them.

This process will most likely be a big transition for each of you. And transitions can be awkward. It’s best not to make any judgments for the first semester. I remember when our eldest, Allison, went off to college, she was miserable for the whole first semester and did not want to return. We had many tears. There were more tears in May—this time because she did not want to leave her college friends to come home! God is patient and He is working while we are waiting. He knows all, and He’s got our child.

It’s most helpful for us to focus on what the Lord is doing with our kids through their college or job choices. It will be exciting to see what our Father has to teach each of us through this process. He is a good Father, and He has a good plan!

“Call on me, and I will show you great and mighty things that you do not know.” (Jeremiah 33:3)

Stay tuned for my next blog for us, the parents, as we face an emptying nest!