How to Face an Empty Nest
Recently, I wrote about preparing your kids to leave the nest, which is a big transition for them.
But it’s also a big transition for you, the parents!
Are you getting ready to send a child off to college or preparing to send your youngest to all-day school? Or have you just had a wedding? If so, you may be an emotional mess. Or you may be relieved and rejoicing!
The empty nest hits us in different ways, at different times, and often when we least expect it!
How well I remember dropping our last child, Susy, off at college and beginning the long drive home.
The week before, we had left her twin sister Libby at another college, so not only was I sending off my last two at once, but it was also the first time the girls, who are very close, had been separated.
My husband John thought this would be a celebration of sorts for us! All those years of daily parenting five children would be finished and now we could focus more on us. So he planned for us to stop overnight on the drive home at a romantic lodge in the mountains. Ha.
As we pulled away from the college campus, my tears started to flow. I felt like my life was over. My main job of parenting was done. What was my purpose to be now?
I ached for the sadness the girls were experiencing in being separated. It had been their idea to go to different colleges, but none of us anticipated the pain this would cause.
Amid my tears, I tried to explain my feelings to my husband. Feelings I couldn’t even understand. I felt lonely in my misery. I felt guilty. After all, this was a good thing! And I had a great husband who was trying to please me. Yet I was miserable.
Needless to say, our romantic getaway wasn’t very romantic!
You may not experience sadness at having just sent a child off. In fact, you may be thrilled. Each one of us is different, and we never know when the emotions of the empty nest will hit us. It may not be until your last child is married. Or you may grieve when they begin high school.
Several things will help us no matter what phase of this season we are in.
This season is not neat. It’s messy.
I have found that we tend to think that stability should be the norm in our lives. It’s easy to live with the mentality of, when things calm down… then. But things don’t tend to calm down. Instead, we merely move to a different season which will have different challenges and also unique blessings.
Stability is not the norm. Transition is.
Stability is a brief interlude at different times. Simply recognizing this fact will relieve some of the pressure of this false expectation and enable us to live more fully in the moment.When our kids leave the nest, we enter a long season of “leavings.” Our kids will continue to leave our nest for years to come. This season demands constant adjustments on our part. It’s easy to feel alone in our emotions, emotions which tend to fluctuate all over the place. One of the things that is most helpful for us as women is to have a friend who is a bit ahead of us on this journey. One whose nest is already empty or emptying more rapidly than ours. A girl friend like this will understand your feelings and be able to give you perspective and wise counsel.
John & Susan with Barbara & Dennis Rainey My friend Barbara Rainey and I were in various stages of emptying nests. Looking at one another, we said, “How do we navigate this new season?”
There was not much written about it. And so, we decided to write a book together. We interviewed over 100 women across the nation, all who were in different stages of this transition. We learned so much from these women.
What do I do with my emotions, my disappointments?
How do I relate to my husband now?
How do I relate to my adult kids?
How do I care for my elderly parents?
How do I find a new purpose for me?
These are just a few of the questions we deal with in our book, Barbara and Susan’s Guide to the Empty Nest. (You can order it now at a 30% discount.)
Invite some friends who are also in this season of transition to a book study. Christie, a friend of ours, did this for several years as an outreach to her neighbors. Some women who did not have a faith background came because of this common need and, in the process, came to know the love of Jesus.
One of my favorite promises for this season has been the assurance that God has something new to do in my life.
Jeremiah declares, “Call unto me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.” (Jeremiah 33:3)
God is not finished with you or with me. He has a new plan and it’s a GOOD plan.
To learn more about this season, listen to Susan and Barbara on FamilyLife Today’s broadcasts:
Thank you for sharing this and just starting this season myself