How to Foster and Grow Deeper Relationships with Adult Children and Older Grandkids

Our Grandkids are growing. At our first Cousin Camp, we had five kids from three different families, the eldest being ten. Today, our grands range in age from 12 to 26. For eleven years, we hosted Cousin Camp with kids ages four and up, followed by a Family Camp, which included everyone. 

BUT times change and needs change. With different school schedules and young working adults it became harder to gather everyone in the summer for a week. Our adult kids suggested that we move to a Family Camp for four nights with everyone once a year. We usually do this over Labor Day. 

What does Family Camp look like now? 

With 34 of us it looks (and smells!) like bodies packed in-sleeping on floors, in closets, on couches, in hammocks; lines to the bathroom (Some of the guys use nature!), tons of groceries, shoes or boots piled up everywhere, boys still wrestling (extreme testosterone), girls still giggling, painting fingernails, and talking, talking. Late nights, a messy house, pranks, and NOISE are a given. Camp is not about a clean house or sleep. (John and I absolutely crash in an exhausted heap when the last car leaves!)

Camp is still about connecting, deepening relationships, sharing our hearts at a different level, and supporting one another through hard times and good times. 

Our Family mission statement remains the same: That we would love the Lord our God with all our hearts and minds and our neighbors as ourselves-interpreting our first neighbors as being family members. (Matthew 22:36-39)

We set aside adult dinners. 

On the first night of Family Camp, we all eat together, buffet style, around the yard. Folks are arriving at different times, so this is most practical. On subsequent nights, we gather with our adult children: “Generation 1,” in the barn, leaving the grandkids to eat and entertain themselves. It’s a relief not having toddlers, and the teens do the dishes! One thoughtful granddaughter makes this happen! Ah, I like teenagers☺

Our adult conversation is intentional. We don’t want to merely talk about sports or the weather. We want to go deeper so each night 2 couples (4 people) take time to share their highs and lows (blessings and challenges) of the past year, and what they need prayer for. Then, someone prays for them. 

In order to arrive somewhat caught up on each other’s lives, we send out “adult questionnaires” prior to camp that each adult has to answer (via “reply all” email) in order to be allowed into camp. A couple of the men compete for who is last! I ask a different couple each year to send out the questions for the adult updates 2 weeks in advance, which everyone must answer. Over the years we’ve had a wide range of questions-from hysterical to serious. Some examples: 

What is the best thing you’ve read this year and watched? 

If each of your kids had a superpower, what would it be?

Tell us one thing you have learned this year (can be big or small, personal, or practical).

Brag on your spouse about something you’ve noticed lately.

Tell us about something that keeps you up at night these days.

What is a skill you’d like to learn in the coming ear and why?

A word or phrase God has given you this past year. What has it meant to you?

We add something New to camp each year.

Traditions are important but as we need new things as well!

The message from Matthew 22 does not change but the methods (ways to fulfill this) are always changing. 

As we were planning Family Camp for last summer, we considered the needs of those coming. (Stay tuned for next week’s blog which explains this unique way to plan).

One of the ways we build relationships is by getting to know what someone else does. In a culture of superficial, impersonal, and sometimes hurtful social media communication we want to raise good conversationalists. We all need mentors and we realized that we have a variety in our own family. The more we know about one another the better we can pray for each other and learn from another. What our adults are doing can impact our teens and young adults as they consider their own futures. 

Now amongst the 12 of us adults we have 2 pastors, 3 businessmen, a preschool teacher, a breath coach, a librarian volunteer in the inner city, a writer and speaker, 2 editors, a writing coach, a college professor, an artist and a college minister. Very different gifts and potential mentors for our own family members. 

Considering all the teens and young adults at camp we asked each of our 10 adult children to take 5 minutes throughout camp to share the following: 

1. Describe the work you are currently doing, and there may be more than one thing.

2. Is what you are doing now what you always thought you would do, or have you been surprised? (How did you end up where you are?)

3. What is something you love about what you do and something that’s hard?

4. How do you see your work as a way of serving God?

5. Do you have a word of advice to the next generation about vocation?

One Dad shared that when he was in 8th grade, he was afraid he’d never reach puberty, and never make it in the NFL as a quarterback! A mom shared that she wanted to be a nurse on a cruise ship and solve mysteries. An overall theme was that God has you, and in His time, He’ll reveal to you what He has created you to do, and it might change many times as you mature. 

We also gave the kids a “cousin challenge”: to interview another cousin (not a sibling), asking: 

1. What is something exciting or fun you have done in the past year? Give details!

2. How has God been speaking to you in the past year or what do you want to hear from Him in this coming year (or both)? 

Later, during camp, different kids shared about who they interviewed and what they learned about their cousin. It was dear to hear a 16-year-old boy share what he learned from a 12-year-old cousin.  

There were multiple blessings in these exchanges: watching a recent college grad engage with an uncle in business about his future, noticing a young teen have his eyes opened to what being a pastor might mean, seeing a young girl laugh as she heard her aunt share about how she loved teaching 4-year-old boys! An unexpected blessing was that we adults learned things about each other that we did not know. This adds another depth to our relationships.

We consider the different seasons our kids are in, and we foster positive peer pressure–cousin to cousin. Instead of an adult, it may be a cousin who plants an idea in a younger cousin’s mind. Often, kids will hear something from an older cousin that they would not hear from a parent.

Our grandson Will, who just graduated from college was leaving after camp for Kenya where he would be involved volunteering in mission work for the fall. We had a special time of laying hands on him and praying for him.

 Some helpful things we have learned about our family gatherings over the years:

*Family camp or any type of family reunion is not the time to address political or sibling issues. Save those for other times. Instead, this is purely a time for building friendships.

*Have a few friends pray for you. I asked for specific prayers for protection for all, significant conversations, and LAUGHTER.

*Adjust each year according to the ages of the grandkids. Keep sacred traditions but add new elements.

*Don’t expect to have deep conversations with each grandchild. This time is about their bonding with each other, not necessarily you. 

*Laugh when things go wrong–broken dishes, a surprising hornet’s nest.

*Have the kids help. One surprise was that the kids cleaned up dinner and even came and cleared plates from our adult meal. (I suspect our older grands organized this!)

Wherever we are in family life it’s important not to lose sight of the fact that family is God’s Idea. God created us human beings to be His children. There was nothing incomplete about God’s life, and the fellowship in heaven between the Holy Trinity and the angelic hosts must have been beautiful beyond our comprehension. 

So why did the Father, Son and Holy Spirit make man and woman? I like to think that perhaps they were lonely. They wanted a family. Or maybe they simply wanted to share the joy of relationships by creating others with whom to interact. The point here is that God created family, and He says it is good. We aren’t meant to be alone. 

Family has a broad meaning. We usually think of family as a dad, mom, and kids. But throughout both the Old and New Testaments we see family described as large tribes, small units, and particularly the family of the church. A family might include singles as well as married people, young people, and old people. God knows that we were not meant to be alone. We need one another. 

The big concept here can be summarized in a single word: Together.

And in case you missed it, last week’s blog contains a detailed video about Cousin Camp:

Purchase the Cousin Camp book today and save 30%!

Stay tuned for next week’s blog when we take a look at how to plan for a family gathering (or church event) even of any size.