Simple Things I Wish I Had Said or Done for My Parents

As we look ahead to Mother’s Day and then to Father’s Day, I’ve been thinking about my own parents.

I was blessed to grow up with two good parents. They loved each other and us four kids. They weren’t perfect. No one is. All families are messy. Every family is the merging of sinful, self-centered, selfish people who usually want their own way and believe their way is best. And yet God wants to enter this “mess” and bring healing and joy. He majors in redemption.

My dad died suddenly of an aneurysm when he was 73. My mother was killed instantly by a driver who ran a red light and plowed into her car. At 80, she was unusually vibrant. She was killed while driving to assist a family in crisis.

We were a church going family, and I always knew that faith was important to both of my parents. As the strong-willed eldest of four kids, I was not easy to raise.

Now, as a parent of five and grandparent of twenty-one, I find myself with a better understanding of my parents and a keener sense of appreciation for what they did right. One of the benefits of getting older is that we now have a different and better perspective.

One of the great commandments is that we are to honor our parents. (Deuteronomy 5:16). For some, this may be incredibly difficult, seemingly impossible. It’s helpful to rest in the promise, “Great is the Lord and mighty in power. His understanding has no limit.” (Psalm 147:5) He alone knows all your story, and He alone can completely understand your feelings. He brings not only understanding but compassion and healing.

None of us chooses the family into which we are born. That’s God doing. No matter what we come from, He can use our heritage for His good as we allow Him to and wait on His working. Waiting can be hard, but we must remember that He’s working while we are waiting in ways we cannot see.

How can we honor our parents at this time of year?

I did not have the opportunity to say a long goodbye to either of my parents. I did with my sweet mother-in-law, who lived to be 97! Whatever our situation is, here are a few things to consider:

Appreciate what they did right.

I remember my mom and dad driving me and my five littles from the beach in South Carolina to Alabama. John had to return to work, so he was not with us. At the time, I was nursing the twins and had three other small children crammed into their car. The twins screamed most of the trip. My patient dad said little, but I imagine he wanted to stop on the highway and leave us on the side of the road! When we finally arrived, I dumped the kids on my folks and went to take a nap, fully expecting them to take over. Did I ever thank my folks? I don’t remember that I did. And I wish I had. I wish I had appreciated them more. Instead, I just took them for granted.

As a teenager, I did not think my parents were all that smart or wise. I did not value their wisdom. Or their perspective. Like most teens, I thought I was right. I did not have the perspective or wisdom that comes from experience and life. Thankfully, I think my parents understood this lack. I remember hearing, “One day you will understand.” Another time, I went to my mom in tears exclaiming, “I’m not popular. I’m not in the cool crowd. I’m too tall, I have thick glasses, and buck teeth.” My mom responded, “Susan, one day your turn will come. Your dad and I think you are beautiful.” With this statement, she gave me hope—the main thing teens need. She had perspective.

Think about the cultural and historical context in which your parents grew up.

It was very different from your generation. And it had different consequences. What was happening in the world in their day? What were their cultural stresses, financial pressures, and limitations? What were their personal losses?

Looking at the context of their world will enable us to have a better understanding of what our parents dealt with. Realize your parents probably did the best they could, coming from where they did. It can be helpful to look back and examine the homes in which they grew up. This can explain a lot. And this might enable one to have a greater sense of mercy rather than judgment.

Make peace with your parents.

Forgive them. Ask them for forgiveness. We do not want to live or die with regrets. Whatever our past or present messy relationships, there is nothing that God can’t forgive. You be the one to initiate. We cannot control the outcomes, but we can control the steps we take. God has commended us to ask for forgiveness and to grant it. If you have lost your parents, you can still forgive them, or you can ask our Father to forgive you for the things you need to be forgiven. God’s forgiveness is not limited by time. Begin to focus on the things they did right. (It may be helpful to seek the advice of a wise Pastor or Christian counselor. I am not a counselor.)

Ask them about their lives and pray for them.

Someone gave me a needlepoint with the phrase, “Grandmothers are just little girls in antique bodies.” I love this thought because it reminds me that older parents have needs, too. We still have feelings and longings. We don’t have it all together.

Share your heart with them. As a young mother with five littles, I don’t remember calling my mom and dad very often. This was before social media and texting. Back then, we had to pay for long-distance calls. Thinking back, I doubt I called unless I needed something. I don’t remember calling just to ask, “How are you doing?” I was too overwhelmed with my own life to take an active interest in theirs. I wish I had. It thrills me when our adult kids ask, “How are you doing, and how can I pray for you?” Or when they send a short text asking for prayer or sharing their news.

Share with your kids and grands your good memories of your parents. (And if you still have them, tell them!)

I did not grow up being a reader. This stunted the growth of my vocabulary. So, I scored low on my verbal SATS. I was not gifted in math either, therefore my math scores were also dismal. The high school guidance counselor called my parents in for a consultation. “We want to tell you that Susan is unlikely to be college material. You would be wise to consider other options."

Did my parents overreact and panic? No, they laughed. “Susan, there are all kinds of ‘smarts.’ We are not concerned about this evaluation!” My kids and grands cannot believe this story, but it’s fun to tell them and it enables them to learn not to take some things too seriously and to appreciate laughter in a fresh way.

I remember my dad pulling me into his lap and saying, “Susan, I love you so much.”

“Why, Daddy?” I’d ask.

“Just because you’re mine.”

It wasn’t because I’d been good or bad or met his expectations. It was only because I belonged to him. This is the way God looks at you and me.

Use Mother’s Day and Father’s Day as an opportunity to honor your parents for what they did right.

Go further than, “you did a great job raising me.” Instead, be specific. “Mom, I appreciate the way you didn’t react when I was a grumpy teenager. Instead, you did not take me too seriously or overreact. You laughed and gave me hope. “Dad, I cannot imagine how hard it must have been when you had to figure out how to raise teenage daughters!” “I appreciate the way you always point me back to Christ.”

God has chosen our parents, and He wants us to honor them. It’s helpful to recognize that it’s never too late to do what’s right.

“For nothing is impossible for God” (Luke 1:37)