Why We All Need Multigenerational Friends

Recently, I spent three days away with three friends. The unusual thing about this group was that we are four friends from four different decades. Okay, I’m the oldest, and I felt honored to have this time with these amazing younger women. We are all writers, speakers, moms, and three of us are grandmothers. We love Christ, but most of all, we know how very much we need him.

In the company of these women, we laugh, we cry, and we relate to each other. We have the freedom to confess our sins and share our deepest struggles. We are weak and we need the encouragement of one another.

From left to right; me, Lisa Jacobson, Jodie Berndt, and Sara Hagerty

Why do we need girl friends?

God created us for friendship.

The Trinity is the first example of friendship. Three in One: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. I like to imagine the fun these three had in creation (Genesis 1:26). It wouldn’t have been as much fun if there were only one.

Jesus himself modeled the need for friendship. He had the twelve, and of the twelve, he had three “besties,” Peter, James, and John. It was these guys he asked to be with him and to pray for him in his agony in the garden of Gethsemane. As “God made man,” he needed them. However, they let him down and fell asleep.

It wasn’t only Jesus. David had Jonathan, Paul had Barnabas and Silas, Moses had Aaron and Hur, and so on. Throughout the scriptures, we see the need for and the blessing of friendships.

Friends bring us perspective.

When I was a young mother with five littles, I had a friend Judy who was years ahead of me. Often, I would call her in despair over an issue with a child or a disappointment with my husband. Judy empathized with me, but she also gave me good advice. She had been there herself. What she gave me was perspective.

One of the gifts of time with my three friends was that we gave each other fresh perspectives. I received a fresh perspective from one who has suffered greatly yet seen God’s sustaining hand through her hard times. We laughed as we shared the different perspectives on life that our ages gave us.

Girl friends take the pressure off our marriages.

One piece of advice I give to young women about to marry is: keep your girlfriends and make new ones of different ages. Too often, we expect our husbands to meet all our needs. But they were not created to do this, and placing this expectation on them is actually unfair. If we have a few close girlfriends, we will be enriched in different ways. However, be careful not to choose girlfriends who “bash husbands.” I remember a time when I was complaining to a very close friend about how frustrated I was with John. I felt like he was never home, and I was a wife trying to raise five children all by myself. She listened to me and empathized with me, but then she asked, “Susan, what are you doing to draw closer to Him?”

That’s a good friend.

Girls can be absolutely silly in a way that is so different from men. The four of us dressed up in wigs, wrote a silly skit, and roared with laughter at ourselves. I can’t quite imagine our husbands doing that. And we can talk for hours. Men don’t do that!

How do we find friends?

Much has been documented about the widespread loneliness prevalent in our world today. Social media has contributed to this malaise. Behind every seemingly perfect photo you see posted may be a person who is sad or lonely, wishing for a real friend with skin on. Too often, we are not really what we present. Instead, we have a longing. So, what do we do?

• Seek to become “other-centered” rather than “self-centered.”

  It has been said that there are two kinds of people. One person walks into a room with a “Here I am” attitude, “Please reach out to me.” Another enters with a “There you are, how can I reach out to you?” God calls us to become other-centered people. But it’s not so easy.

  I remember being in a funk. Discouraged, down on myself. Having a real “pity party.” Suddenly, I felt God saying to me, “Susan, you need to get over yourself.” Humbled, I knew this was the truth. What I needed was to reach out and to care for someone else. Learning to live in this way will be a lifetime journey. We’ll never do it perfectly this side of heaven because of our sin nature, but we can grow in this.

• Take the initiative.

  We may be shy. We may fear rejection. We may wonder why anyone would want to hang out with us. Despite this, we need to take a good risk.

  Pray. “God give me a few close friends and give me the courage to reach out to someone.” Call up a gal. Suggest a coffee date or a walk. Ask her about her life. Ask her how you can be praying for her in the next few weeks. Share some of your own story. Take this initiative with several different women.

• A word to older women:

  Reach out to a young mom. One of the dangers of growing older is that our worlds can become small. We may feel useless or that our time has passed, but this is not true. We don’t have all the answers. We still struggle to trust. We are still growing, too. However, we have lived a lot of life and therefore have had more times to see God bring us through a difficult time and to reflect on His faithfulness. Our young friends need us, but we need them too. If we spend all our time with old folks like us, we will become stale.

As I reflect on my time with my young friends, I am laughing as I recall our different conversations: sharing new ways to treat wrinkles, comforting one in tears, discussing the idols we fall prey to in the very different places we live (from west coast to east coast) and how they impact us, books we’ve loved and why, and of course family members.

We ended our time together with communion and specific prayers for one another. Turning our eyes back to Him was a fitting and precious end to our time. Thank you, Lord.